When I thought about becoming a mom I had pretty typical dreams…well except that I picture four kids which is a little unusual. But what no one tells you when you’re a kid yourself is that families are made in all kinds of ways, and sometimes they take time and a whole lot of help to create. I learned that pretty quickly, but let me catch you up to just a few months before we became a family of three.
It’s the Fall of 2015 and I am in my last year of college. Derek is handling a lot of the mundane parts of adulthood so I can give school my full attention. We are struggling quietly with STILL not getting pregnant after seven years of marriage. Our plan was to begin a more doctor assisted approach in the spring as I headed toward graduation.
A little baby (distantly related to Derek) had just been born and was in the hospital, very likely to be taking into foster care. I immediately said we would help having no idea what I meant exactly, I just felt this immediate pull toward helping him. What I didn’t know was this was the beginning of a season of what we call “Hurry Up, and Wait.” I’m not going to go into all the in’s and out’s of the process, but if you have questions about fostering and provisional placement reach out and I’ll go a little deeper in.
From where I sit today, I think the best part about pregnancy is the 9 month warning you get that you’re going to be a parent. I know there are many other points of view to have, and I’ll have them someday too, but for me that time to prepare looked a little different. After all the steps it took to get everything in place just to bring this baby home we got the call on a Friday that we could pick him up on Monday! Yep, one weekend and then we were (foster) parents! We met our son for the first time on December 7th (Pearl Harbor Day) when he was six weeks old. I like to say instead of waiting 40 weeks we waited 40 days to meet our son.
Of course, this is all written from my present day perspective. The reality is I became a first-time mom as a foster parent, meaning while I would always consider myself a mom from that day onward, it didn’t mean I would mama this baby forever. I never pictured myself fostering, I knew it must be so hard to do and assumed my soft-hearted self was not a good fit for that role. If you feel that way, I have to tell you that is false. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt, but having that soft heart is one of the many traits that these kids need to have around them. The thing is these kids are hurting and they need people to hurt with them, to walk alongside them as they navigate hard things.
So that’s what we did. We dug in and did life. Our days were full of firsts as Bo (*not his real name) grew and we learned all the things you can’t learn about parenting from babysitting or watching your nephews. Our weeks were full of worry, tears, and prayer for this sweet boy. Our months were full of appointments and meetings. We prayed a lot, more than either of us had ever before. We prayed for everyone involved, we prayed for wisdom and dedication and peace. We took comfort in knowing that God loved Bo more than any of us, and we accepted in faith that God’s plan for his life was perfect.
That doesn’t mean it was easy, or pretty. It hurt a lot. I have never before felt so conflicted and confused. My heart hurt as I cried for a baby in limbo, for a family struggling to stay together, for friends and family that couldn’t help but love this little guy, for all of the hurt and brokenness that was happening to kids in my city, in my neighborhood. Once you pull that curtain back, you can’t un-see it.
It still amazes me how much I struggled while experiencing the purest joy imaginable. That’s exactly how life is though. It is hard and impossible and fantastic all at once, all the time. And so we kept making memories and leaning on our village as we went on this journey together, the two of us helping him through something he still doesn’t know.
If you haven’t guessed how this journey ends by now let me tell you that we are a forever family. Before I go into all that I have to be very clear about something I know other people who have weathered hard seasons agree is important to share.
The journey and what we learned along the way is the same regardless of the outcome. I would not change one moment with Bo or one hard learned lesson from God for anything. The things I learned about love and about how strong I can be and how faithful God is are the same. They are all the sweeter for how it ended, but they are worth learning period, no exceptions regardless of where God leads you. And also our story isn’t over, all wrapped up with a happy ending ribbon. We still face hard things and we still have to relearn lessons all the time. Because that’s life, it is hard and impossible and fantastic at the same time, all the time.
Now if you have made it this far your reward is the warm fuzzy part of the story. On July 13th of 2017 we officially became forever family, and sweet baby Bo became an Oliver. After over 600 days of loving him with open hearts and open hands we got to share him with the world as our son -Dominick.
